Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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