walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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