a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
