I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
