i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I think I sprained my soul last night
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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