Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
