So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
