The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize