Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
