did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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