so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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