i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
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