i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
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Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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