Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
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i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
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Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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