I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
