I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.