I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
were you high?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night