Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
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the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
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How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"