Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
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i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
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I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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