I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
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It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
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I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.