I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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