I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
