At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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