On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm having to shit out rocks
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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