I think i peed on brittanys purse
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
How external is "for external use only"?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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