haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
