then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
