she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
