I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
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They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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