he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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