is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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