this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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