Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
