it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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