My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
