I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
