I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
