sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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