She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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