i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
