My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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