margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I need to sanitize my soul.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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