I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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