Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Help. Why am I so naked?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
