Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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