Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
