Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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