I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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