god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
