Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
