So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
