I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
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My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
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My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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