I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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