remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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