So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
