I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
