New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
