hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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