Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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