I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
